Hello world! So today my wife wanted to speak on transparency (if you haven’t watched our video, go follow us on IG). Having listened to her about how important transparency is in our relationship, I started wondering how it was that I became so transparent.
In my previous relationships, my first marriage included, I was not very transparent at all. I told women what they wanted to hear, over what I really wanted to say. In my relationships, I would eventually get to the point to where I no longer cared to speak such lies and would lash out with the truth or simply stop talking to them in general. Yes, I was the guy who went GHOST many times. When I finally married, I thought like so many before me and many after me, that things would magically change.
Unfortunately, for the both of us, we created a toxic marriage rather than a healthy one. So where did we go wrong? Better yet, where did I go wrong? For starters, I withheld my tongue, as well as my feelings. By not telling her how I truly felt, I created a world where she was “perfect” or the “better partner of the two.” This led to feeling like I was inadequate. Which later turned into guilt. After that I became a robot, a punching bag, and a scapegoat.
After leaving that marriage, I did what most young men would do in my position– I tried to return to my cavelier ways. I love that word–cavelier. I soon found that this only perpetuated my feelings of loneliness. I spent months and many LOOOONG drives contemplating the type of love that I wanted or that I deserved. I learned that I couldn’t create an “I want” list because that would limit my choices. Instead I created a “what I do not want” list. Once I knew what I didn’t want in my next relationship, I decided that I will be honest and transparent from the start.
A good friend of mine said that by being so honest about my faults and failures on day one would be coming on too strong. I DID NOT CARE. I am who I am because of the things I’ve done, so if she can’t except that then oh well. Needless to say, after about two years of first dates and relationships that never came into fruition I started to doubt my tactics. Well if you’ve read my first post then you know that I found the love I deserved. What you don’t know is that on our first date I decided to state my faults and failures, knowing good and well that it may drive her away. She respected my honesty and the rest is written.
Our relationship has not been a fairy tale either. There was a moment where we seriously believed that it may have been over. We contemplated splitting up because of some baggage that came with me. Like most women, she wondered why I didn’t “fight” for her, when she left. I explained to her, in my last marriage, I was accused of conning my way into my ex’s heart and then into marriage. Although in retrospect this was certainly not the case, I told my now wife that I was not in the business of trying to persuade anyone into being with me. I told her that her leaving or her staying was a decision that she would have to make on her own.
Telling her that was an extremely difficult decision to make because it is much easier giving women what they want, but I told myself that if I was ever in another relationship I would speak my mind. After about a day or two she returned home. Ever since then, any argument or tiff we get in, we nip it in the bud way before we go to bed. Usually, this process involves her getting out of the shower, yelling “BAAAAAABE” (which means please come here), me sitting down on the floor in the hallway, and her speaking her peace about whatever it was that bothered her. As always I listen first and speak afterwards. The purpose of these talks are not about taking or putting the blame, it’s about taking ownership of what was done and talking through the issue.
It’s not a one size fits all, but it does work for us. MAYBE this is what the older generations mean by saying, “If something was broken, we would fix it.” Well call me Mr. Fixer Upper because this is one relationship that I will never leave broken.
Diary of Two Teachers 